Where does it end?

 

The past two weeks have been beyond difficult.  Bad news of all sorts from one of my children and then Mama, having been dissatisfied with the Thanksgiving brouhaha has amped up her anger and attacks.

Why is this time of year so difficult for her?  And why does she not see that her own actions create more distance from others?  No one wants a thing to do with her when she's moved from perpetually negative and hurt into rage and anger and nastiness.

It's such a struggle for me.  Honor her is what I long to do.  To love her right out of her nastiness and to forgive over and over again.

But there's a little girl inside me that sees that this week she's done all she can to destroy my relationships with others, that she is intent on bringing financial harm upon my family and that regardless of what role she herself played in the situation that has her anger burning white hot, she wants to destroy ME.  It's personal  Her rage, her anger, her hatred is directed at me.  

And at 61 there's a 6 year old who is realizing afresh that Mama doesn't love her, that she's not good enough and that 55 years of being a good and decent human, of being loved deeply by others is not going to encourage love from the one human who really ought to love and cherish her.

That is who sat sobbing at the table last night after two weeks of raging tantrums and threats.   Never mind that I'd begged her to handle things differently than she'd done, had encouraged and urged her to take certain steps she refused to take again and again.   Then with a minor thing that was easily resolved, she turned on me as viscously as a mad dog.   She threatened, she screeched, she wept and she stabbed repeatedly at me with words.

I'm done.  I'm tired.

I've believed if I could just keep loving her and showing her love and trying to show her my caring it would overcome.  But I've not overcome at all.  I've only increased her dislike of me.  And at this point, I feel that only stepping away entirely can be the better thing.

My heart aches.  She's old and alone.  She's created this place for herself in the world yet I long to protect her from her own creation.  But I can't.  As long as I'm near, it only agitates her until she is hell bent on destroying me, herself.  I can't save her.  I can't save her.  I can't save her.