Silence is Golden?

It's now been nearly two months since I last saw Mama.   My head is no longer swirling with her voice and my counter arguments.  I feel at peace. 

I've contemplated not visiting at all, but that can't happen...It can't because I do believe as her daughter I am called to at least spend a little time with her and to be there should she truly need me.  I do not believe I am there for her to abuse.  And I've vowed, after this hiatus this year, that should I find myself in the same sick mental place I'd gotten to with her, that I will take time 'off' once again.  I simply can't keep up a sustained presence with her in the action/reaction we typically maintain.  

I've spoken with her twice on the phone in these two months.   The first call was pleasant and we chattered away, but I reminded myself not to get too excited or carried away with enthusiasm thinking it would always be that way.  And good thing I did, as the last phone was more along the lines of the usual.  She complained incessantly about everything that had been done for her.   This one brought her medication she needed but 'only got those little bitty bottles!' even though she and I have hunted for them forever and know even  the little bitty bottle she hates are usually about all there is to be found.  She complained over another situation that someone had kindly changed for her regarding her television.  She's no longer paying over $200 a month for tv but 'there's nothing on to watch!'  I reminded her that she'd said that when she had the overpriced cable bill, as well.

And I suppose having curbed her complaints there she asked me a question regarding a matter she herself put into place and over which I have NO control, regarding a payment someone makes to her.  I explained one more time that I'm not in charge of that person's finances, that she needs to discuss any changes with her.  She ended the phone conversation immediately, blowing hard into the phone, a sure sign of her frustration.   I just can't 'feed' her negativity any longer.  It's too depleting to me.

This morning my husband was discussing family members now passed away and I couldn't help but contemplate how invasive Mama's opinion of every thing and every body has always been in my life.  I thought of my Grandmother and my aunt, of my father, my own brothers, friends I had and always her opinion of others had to be the ruling opinion.  No one was ever good enough to be a friend or relative.  They weren't smart enough, or moral enough, or educated enough.   I regret deeply now that I let her opinion be the guiding one.  I missed knowing some wonderful people.  Of that I am sure.  Because I know now what her opinion of so many others still living.   Her  point of view is not even near accurate.  She is extremely judgmental and everyone falls short.  

I can see that this is her own reflection...but growing up, I wasn't aware of this.  I felt only that her strong opinion was so strong that it surely must be the right one.  I was wrong.  And so is she, even in her estimation of herself.