The Image, Smoke and Mirrors

Brief and quickly.  Last week, on recommendation from a YouTube psychologist (not a personal recommendation but one shared in her vlog) I joined two Facebook groups based on Narcissistic Parents and Children.  HUGE mistake for me.  I guess I'm too freshly into this because the stories are so incredibly painful to me that I felt like a thousand razors were scraping my skin off me.  I had to live within hours.  The volume of pain in individuals, even those who are healing, was too much for me to bear.  I was off before six hours passed.

Went to a family gathering last week and my  mother was there.  She's told me repeatedly she cannot drive this distance, can't get about with her walker, etc.  She drove 70m round trip to come to this party.  

And horror of horrors she did a damned good job of needling myself and my daughter.  NONE of her conversation was directed at either of us.  But in our presence, as we sat near, her she told another person several lies.  She recalled my own hospitalization five years ago and how she 'couldn't walk to even go see her.'  Neglecting to mention that three people offered to bring her to the hospital and borrow a wheelchair so that she could visit me.   All of whom she refused.   I was very near death three different times during that time.

It was only later, after we were home, that I recalled that shortly after that hospitalization we were in that same home celebrating with a different family, honoring another child, and when someone asked how I was, she quickly  mentioned how disappointed she was to realize that my poor health meant I wouldn't be able to take care of her.

Today she also brought up to another person, as my daughter sat near, an ongoing sore point with my daughter.  Explaining that she NEEDS something she gave up four years ago but now wants back, because she is in poor finances.   She's NOT.  Later my husband asked her if she'd actually lost money and she said no, but she was afraid it would end.  Asked if she knew anyone whose funds had ended she again said "Nooooo...but it might!"  She fears that she will have no money but she's NOT going to be.  Not only does she have plenty at present, should one source end, she has two more that are more than generous.   This is one of her current 'poor me' scenarios that is not even factual.

As near as I can figure, her spending in the grocery area is extremely extravagant for a single elderly woman.  She hoards food.  Yet she told my husband she spends less than we do each month.  And I know that to be a lie because I have done her shopping for her having been instructed firmly that I was to go by her list regardless of what I thought about requested amounts!

This image of herself as a gentle, frail, little ol' lady type who is desperately taking care of herself because no one else will,  is a complete facade.  

This is typical of a narcissist.  It's seemingly innocent and sweet remarks but you know the load of history and personal opinions expressed in the past are there slapping the child of that parent in the face.  I can't speak from any other relationship viewpoint and it may just be classic for NP (Narcissistic People).  But for instance, you are enjoying a perfectly lovely holiday meal, one that you've worked hard to prepare.  And at the table, she says "Your dressing reminds me of your Grandmother's..."  And everyone looks at me waiting for me to thank her.

BUT, the truth is, I happen to know that my mother hated my grandmother's cooking and was most especially derisive about her cornbread dressing.   This was no compliment.  It was a baiting trick, an attempt to get me to react poorly.

That's needling.  And that's exactly what went on today.

I was so down after that time, feeling utterly depleted and loathing myself for how I felt.  We went to church last Sunday and  as service ended I suddenly was sick of myself.  Sick of feeling the victim, sick of feeling angry, sick of the whole roller coaster of emotions that goes along with all the stuff that comes in this relationship.    I'm sick of it all...so how does it end?  When is the 'illusion' going to stop?