Season of Escalation

Three times in the past week my mother attacked my daughter in various ways via text, written letter and last in a phone call in which she screamed at her and called her names.  

It is a season of escalation.

I've been so angry that I have a burning in the pit of my stomach.  Confronting my mom will do no good.  Narcissists are past mistresses at turning the tables and making everything your fault.  Indeed in the letter my mother wrote to my daughter she pointed out that had I accepted something offered none of this would be necessary.

There was a fly in the ointment.  The 'gift' would mean I had to pay money out of pocket we can ill afford and it would have been a monthly ongoing expense.  What's more it was her intent that I 'hold onto' the gift so that if she needed it in her future she could sell it.  So you see it was never meant as a gift at all.  

At one point last year, I had offered to cover the expenses to offset the costs to herself.  She bluntly refused insisting that it was not going to be accepted because it wasn't in her plans.  I pointed out that though it would be a stretch for us financially, I could manage then.  However, I knew that come retirement time I could no longer afford that expense and said so.  No.  Not good enough.

It's happened in the past that Mama has insisted I take things she no longer wants but insisted I couldn't get rid of them in case she wanted them back, lost weight, needed them to give to someone else.  I used to feel obligated to take those things and periodically dig them up to show to her.  Eventually I realized that if it weren't something I wanted and something she obviously didn't want herself that I was under no obligation to take them nor to keep them.

This is a bigger thing.  It's a very real expense I can't afford at present.  Had we gotten our retirement funds I might have made a counter offer that would allow me to have outright ownership, if indeed she'd have actually been willing to sell.  However, stock market crashed, we weren't able to cash out any funds and we must live on a limited amount of money each month until/if/when that recovers.  

And in the meantime, it's my head or my daughter's on her chopping block at present.

I try to be understanding.  She is elderly.  She's concerned over money for reasons I don't understand.  Her income is roughly 4 times our own.  She has a substantial savings and plenty of insurance to cover future long term care needs...but for whatever reason she's convinced herself she's broke.  And that if she goes into an assisted living situation she'll lose ALL her money rather than have enough to be private pay (with leftover besides).  I cannot reason with her as "You don't know what the h*** you're talking about!  I dealt with Mama's business and I know!"   Well I happen to know that while Granny had a hefty savings account it covered her stay at assisted living for a bit over a year.   As well Granny had but $500 a month to live off.  Mama has much much more than that.

I know she's alone and scared but instead of allowing anyone to help, she pushes us away.  And you know it's the very ones most likely to tend to her needs (although neither of us would ever expose ourselves to trying to do full time care due to her nature) that she is most hate-filled towards just now.

It is also not uncommon for Mama to position herself in such a way that she wants to be rescued and then blames others when they can't do it in the manner she wants it done.   There are NO alternatives to her way of wanting things done .  Period.

Gosh but it fills good to share this here today.  I've been struggling with anxiety, sleepless nights, mental arguments, and the anger.  I do have someone to talk to but there's only so long you can go on with these sorts of things without them becoming an obsessive tendency though.

If you have a narcissistic parent or have a very difficult relationship and you have spent years trying to sort it out I have found two YouTube channels especially helpful.  One is by Doctor Ramani who has specialized in narcisitic relationships.   Another is called The Enlightened Target.  If you view either of these or subscribe to their feeds you'll find others pop up who also deal with narscisitic personalities.  

I know there are books, but I don't think I could stand to read for hours on this matter.  It's enough for me to do two videos and then step back.  I will say though that all of my life I truly thought it was ME that was the problem but if you listen to these stories, you will finally discover that it isn't you.  There's a great deal of healing to be had in the realization that the parent/partner who has this disorder are all using the same words, the same tactics.  It's eerie how often you'll find someone's story is similar to yours.

So I listen and learn and breathe a sigh of relief as I realize that others know what this is like.  But I am also trying to purge my soul of all the burden of hurt and anger that I've been shoving back down inside for the past 55 years.  I have to declutter all these old emotions and horrid old feelings which result in depression, anger, self loathing, and destructive personal behaviors.