Another Day Another Battle and Another

It's been a hard two weeks.  My mother has amped up her attacks.  Not on me personally, though we did have quite a go round on the phone last week.   How many times can someone continue to scream and race across a boundary line you have clearly stated?  How many times will they go on despite you telling them to stop, I'm not discussing this issue with you?  In the end, I said words that dragged my soul down to the ground.  I loathe lowering myself to anger and I do see it as lowering myself.

And then my daughter got a text earlier this week and I warned her, It's not the end.  That's just the tip of the volcano peeking through.   She got a letter Friday night.  She got a phone call today that congealed my soul within me.

The trouble is there's just enough 'right' on Mama's side that I can't argue for my daughter without sounding hypocritical.  But there it is.  The narcissist always has a bit of right facts on their side.  What no one else may understand however is that the situations against which they rail and screech and complain are the same circumstances they set in motion despite sound advice being given prior to the onset of what they are railing against.  In a narcissist's eyes, everyone else is stupid, doesn't know what they are talking about and therefore ignoring them is fine until the crap hits the fan and then it's suddenly not their fault but yours and someone else's.

Anyway, the point of today is that the battles continue and will continue until the end of her time.  And then no doubt will go on within my own brain until the end of mine...sigh.  But most of all what happened today was that I realized I am at that point of saying and meaning "I'm no longer your daughter.  My children are no longer your grandchildren.  I will live the rest of my natural life with out seeing you again and not regret it."    I don't want to continue in this relationship.  I don't want to dread a phone call or a visit.  

The part of me that wants to honor my mother realizes that no matter what else happens she will NEVER change.  And I can only face the fact that if blood pressure rising and anger is the way this relationship must go on then I can't hope to honor her.  And if I can't give her honor as it's meant to be then how can I go on with it?

One psychologist said something that made a world of sense of to me.  She said she was grateful to her mother for teaching her how NOT to be...and I concur.

I am grateful that my mother taught me to measure my words and not let anger speak first.  Say what they like, words do hurt and they hurt deeply. 

I learned that when I give someone something, whether it's my time, my money, or my promise that it obligates ME not them.  They do not have to be grateful, express that gratitude ninety different ways, nor do they OWE me for anything.  It is up to me to adjust my attitude if I think someone is taking advantage  of me.

I have learned that above all else, "I'm sorry," are the two words that can bring the most healing.   But only if it's meant sincerely and not being used for manipulation.  When I say "I'm sorry,"  I really mean it.  

I have learned that a sincere apology when in the wrong is not a sign of weakness but of maturity.

I have learned that conditional love never is  love.   

I have learned that sometimes pain can drive people into horrible places from which their soul can never be retrieved.  The demons within them are stronger than the love offered to heal.

I have learned that holding onto pain destroys you and every one about you.  It's a smelly package and eventually the stench of it drives away every one who would be near.

I have learned that the best gift you can truly give your children is to heal yourself through all available means: psychology, prayer, knowledge, forgiveness, love. And God help me, walking away, too.

I have learned to set boundaries and in setting them I have learned to honor other's boundaries.  "Fences make good neighbors" is a poem with a lot of truth.

I have learned because the people who are in your family don't like you doesn't always mean you are unlikable.  Sometimes it just means they are.  Give others a chance to know you. 

I have learned one  must be honest with oneself, even when it's painful.  Change is growth.