Tactical Errors

One of the mark's of a narcissist is that they must conquer and divide.  I recall a visit to a Halloween carnival when I was about 8.  We were buying treats at a bake sale table and Mama said "And we won't buy your damned daddy anything!"  It wasn't the first time Mama had voiced the words "Your damned daddy"...but it was the first time I recall wondering why daddy didn't deserve a treat like the rest of us.  And also the beginning of our alienation from our father as a whole.  

In a year or so, I was informed that my father was asked to father a child with another woman.  I was led to believe in my tender years that he was somehow unfaithful.  As years went on I became aware that my mother was very jealous and my parents marriage a very tense one which seemed to thrive on anger and upset and silence.  

As time went on the case was built higher and higher against my father.  I can't say he was one thing or another.  There was no close relationship between us because there was the constant division that went on.  I will say that in all those years of marriage my father never said anything to me that was disloyal to my mother.  He would lie to protect her image in my eyes.

That was early days of the growing division.  Eventually, it spread.  A harsh word about this relative and then that one.  A comment made that this sibling or that one had said something critical and unkind about me.  Or reported to siblings that I'd been critical or unkind.  In the end, I was completely alienated from anyone within my family and I suppose they were, too.  She was the hub we rotated around, so many spokes on a wheel that all went round and round together but never touched at any time.

It didn't just begin and end with immediate household relationships.  It involved others. My grandmothers, my aunt, cousins, friends I made, even my own children...

In the last few years, the lies have unfolded.  A conversation with my brother in which he mentioned he hadn't seen Mama in months and yet she'd said to me not two weeks before that "T said you were always the most hateful one..."  A child's report that the rift I couldn't stretch across for years had been caused by a statement that I had condemned her as a person because of behavior that upset my mother instead of me... Another child telling me that they received a letter stating that another family member was upset with them and then the revelation that the other family member had no clue what she'd written nor why.  Divide and blind the conquered ones.

One of the last things my grandmother said to me, before she was completely lost to dementia was said hesitantly but sincerely.  "Your mama...honey, your mama LIES."   

And the damage done by those lies over the intervening years still casts their shadows upon us all.  I can't apologize to some for my distance and aloofness as they have  died.  But I can try harder to make sure to do damage control now with those who are living still.